The Greatest Breakfast Burrito of All Time

**Names have been changed**


I woke up barely hungover. Suprising, considering how much I'd drank the previous night. Truth is, I was probably still drunk and hadn't had time to move into the hangover stage yet. Either way, a breakfast screwdriver was obviously the best idea, because fuck it, I was on vacation. It was 3 in the afternoon anyway, so it wasn't that big of a lush move. I walked out onto the balcony to check out the beach scene for the day. Joe was playing volleyball, and Sean was taking a nap under an umbrella. No doubt still sleeping off the uncountable number of beer pong rounds we'd played the night before and the victory shots that came along with every game we'd won. Derek was nowhere to be found. He had disappeared the night before with a chick he met at the bar. Last I saw of him, he was trying to convince the girl to fuck him. She was playing innocent and it wasn't looking good for our hero.
I was jolted out of my thought process by my stomach growling, LOUD. Apparently two pieces of toast wasn't enough to soothe the beast so I stepped back inside and went to the kitchen. A breakfast burrito sounded good, and I got started on cheffing one up. About the time I had all of the ingredients laid out, Sean came walking in the front door. "How does it feel to be a champion?" he asked. We had gone ape shit in beer pong last night and destroyed all challengers. It felt damn good. I could tell by the look on his face that he was just as hungry as I was, so I wrapped up another burrito and tossed it on a paper plate for him.
The burritos were pretty fucking good, and did a good job of coating our stomachs. Sean mixed a drink and we stood in the kitchen, smoking a cigarette, and got our plans for the day straightened out. We had planned on taking a tour of a haunted area of town. It was a pretty ridiculous tourist trap, but it was cheap and we got to ride around on Segways, so I was down.
We were just mixing our second drinks when Adam came stumbling out of his room, wearing nothing but his boxers and one sock. He walked into the kitchen with a huge smile on his face and we both knew he had finally succeeded in getting into the girl's pants. He snatched my drink out of my hand thinking it was orange juice. He gulped down a mouthful and barely had time to hand back my cup before his body rejected the potent mix that was nearly half vodka and sent it straight back up from his stomach. He gagged and threw up into the sink and then looked at me like I had just killed his dog.
"What the hell is wrong with you," he whined at me.
"Nothing, don't snatch my shit without asking."
He mumbled a 'Fuck you' and poured himself a cup of juice, no vodka. We heard the shower in his room turn on and both looked to him with the same question.
"She's still here?"
"Yeah," he explained, "it took me all night to get her naked. I just finished before I came out here."
"Well, congrats I guess. Now get rid of her; we got shit to do today." Sean said.
It sounds coldhearted and unreasonable, but we DID have plans and any girl you take home from a bar isn't really the type to keep around for very long, especially not if you were going on a fucking haunted tour.
He took his OJ and walked back into his room to cut the unfortunate girl loose. Sean and I sat down in the living room and fired up the PS3 to play some Call of Duty. The shower turned off, and there was the sound of rustling and talking, presumably as the girl got dressed and packed up her shit. Adam came back out into the living room and told us the girl would be leaving shortly. She walked out of his room and for the first time we saw her in the light. She was pretty, even without makeup, and I made a mental note to congratulate Adam on a job well done.
"Adam, we need to talk," she whispered.
She walked into the kitchen and Adam flashed us the finger behind her back as he followed with a retarded grin on his face. We turned back to our game and thought everything was going fine until we heard yelling from the kitchen.
"I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU GAVE ME HERPES I WILL FUCKING BURY YOU IN A DITCH!"
Sean spit a mouthful of his screwdriver all over the screen. My mouth dropped open and I paused the game. We sat completely silent, hearing only more talking, the girl's apologetic tone and Adam's terrified voice. After what seemed like an hour, but was only about ten minutes, the girl came stomping out of the kitchen and made straight for the door and left. Adam came sulking back into the living room, obviously pale and upset.
"The reason she didn't wanna fuck last night is that she has herpes," he said quietly, "But she said this morning she thought I didn't care because I kept trying." He went back into his room and locked the door. Sean and I laughed so hard we almost cried. We didn't see Adam for the rest of the weekend, but heard a few days later his test had come back clean. We decided to do the haunted tour without him, and leave Joe on the beach as well. But first we had to pregame.