Be nice to the bouncers

Any time you’re out as much as my groups of friends, around that many new people, and that much alcohol, problems are sure to arise. This brings me to my next lesson so listen up. Don’t fuck with the staff. Actually, do the opposite. Get in good with a waitress, and she might forget that you ordered that last round of shots and save you a few bucks on your tab. Get in good with a bartender, and you can pretty much bank on getting a little extra kick in your sissy, blended daiquiri. Get in good with the DJ and you can look REALLY cool and get any request that our little heart desires played for the rest of the bar to hate. BUT get in good with the security staff and you are fucking BULLETPROOF. Not only do these flashlight jockeys control the line to get in the door, but they are the authority once you’re inside. I worked nightclub and strip club security for years, and so I have no qualms at all telling all of you little protégés exactly how it is.
You have to do it the right way for it to work. That means don’t slip the doorman a twenty on your first night at the club and expect to slip your underage girlfriend past him. And if he’s working inside, for the love of God, NEVER stand directly in front of a bouncer. They are there to do a job and will not, I repeat, WILL NOT hesitate to go through you if you’re between them and a fight that breaks out. If you absolutely MUST talk to a bouncer, at least stand off to the side of him so he can keep his eyes on the crowd while listening to how the big, mean man spilled your drink. Actually, scratch that. Don’t go to a bouncer with every little fucking whiny bitch story. They don’t care if your beer got spilled, they don’t care if there’s a guy doing lines in the bathroom, and they REALLY don’t care if you don’t think it’s fair that some other underage girl gets to drink and your girlfriend doesn’t.
The best way to get on a bouncer’s good side is to treat him with respect. Don’t bitch about the cover, don’t bitch about getting ID’d and don’t start shit....yet. Once you gain the reputation of being a respectable human being who doesn’t cause shit and everyone seems to get along with, perks will be awarded. It may be as subtle as not getting ID’d, or not having to take your license out of your wallet every time you show up. After the first time, don’t assume you’re bulletproof yet. Give the door guy a handshake or a nod or some show of gratitude and go about your business. If they have a tip jar at the door, drop a few bucks in it.
If you play your cards right and do like my friends and I did, you’ll get perks that most people will never get to experience. I live in one of the most vibrant nightlife cities in the country, and I haven’t paid a cover ANYWHERE in almost 3 years. And that’s just the beginning. When you skip a long line on a cold night and hear the doorman tell the two hot chicks in the front of the line that they’re at capacity and can’t let anyone else in, and THEN he opens the door for you and ushers you in, that’s when it all pays off. When you walk up to the door of a bar on a Saturday night and the bouncer is telling the douche bag who cut you off in his car in the parking lot that he absolutely must charge a cover charge for EVERYBODY, and as the guy reaches into his wallet, you walk in without paying a cent, that’s when the circle of life is complete. It gets to a whole new level when “your” table or booth is occupied and when you come in the door the security staff makes whoever is sitting there move just for you. It works well at small hometown watering holes where there aren’t usually VIP booths or a lot of high profile guests. When security moves a group of 6 guys out of your corner table so you and two buddies can sit there, just because that’s where you want to sit that night, it’s a good feeling.
Security is like a brotherhood. After working as a bouncer you start to gain a respect for the bouncers at your local spots, and when they find out you worked security too, the respect is repaid. I’ve gotten in a lot of fights at my local bars but I’ve never once been kicked out or arrested. When the bouncers are your friends that doesn’t happen. I have the good fortune at my favorite bar of having every bouncer, every server, every bartender, the owners, managers, AND the DJ at my back. I could punch the first person I see when I walk in the place, and they’d get kicked out before I did. I’ve been in fights where the security guards have thrown punches for me, just to have my back. All it takes is one look and they know what is going on. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go looking for fights, but this type of lifestyle isn’t gonna gain you any favor with the dudes whose girls you end up stealing. Haters are gonna hate and people are gonna talk shit, but it’s always good to have someone in authority sticking up for you.